Thursday, December 30, 2010

New Year, New Me

Well, let's quickly disregard everything that was written in the last post.

It seems that I am good at cursing things to ruination by writing them down.. which is kind of silly, but it seems to be so. Every time that I write I am happy with a situation or person, that happiness ends in such a way that I am the opposite of happy.

The short story: I like douche bags. Not the hygiene kind, the male kind.

Moving on.

It's almost 2011. Holy cow. And with that realization, comes the sudden desire to come up with a resolution to keep or break for this new year. I have never done the resolution thing, so I think it's about time that I gave it a shot.

So, I'm trying to come up with one. It's hard work, really. There's the general ones that everyone does, like lose weight or save money or travel or be kind to puppies or do some great good. I don't want to do one of those because they won't really mean anything. I want to do something that will change how I see myself for years to come.

Or something.

I don't know.

It's hard, because I want to do these crazy things, but I know that I won't be able to motivate myself to do it past a certain point.

I just had a wonderful idea. Instead of a Yearly Resolution, I'm going to have a Monthly Resolution. That's like.. 12 Resolutions instead of just 1. I think that's a fab idea. Plus, it'll keep things from getting dull. Now I need to come up with my January Resolution. It'll probably be something simple like tell people why I like them or something. We'll see what I come up with on January 1st.

Friday, December 3, 2010

'Tis the Season...

I'm not quite sure what it is the season of, but I do know that it is in fact a season of something.

Any whoo.


First of all, let me get the over-whelming sense of guilt that I have going on every time I look at the link to this thing... and then write nothing. Seriously, there are times that I want to write something but then I have to go off and do something else... and by the time I am able to write something, I have forgotten whatever it is that I was going to write before. So I do nothing and feel like a piece of crap. Not like anyone reads this thing anyway, it's more like I'm pretending that people read it and that makes me feel even worse because I feel guilty for keeping the words away from myself. Yeah, it doesn't make any sense to me either.

Maybe if my life were filled with exciting things on a daily basis, instead of kinda amusing things on a weekly basis. Or something. I dunno. But I do want to write more, I just don't feel like being boring and crap.

That being said, here is a recap of what I've been up to of late, just in case. In case of what, I haven't a clue, but that's what people say.

In the beginning of November, my last update actually, I had been talking to this guy that I have known for a few years, and had a bit of a thing for. Up until now, however, one of us has been dating someone else and we're both the kind of people that just don't talk to the opposite sex whenever we're attached to someone. So, even though we both liked each other and had things in common, our interactions were limited to the random times in a year that we would be at the same NERO event.

Fast forward to last October (2009) and the end of my current long-time relationship. Sadly, for me, he had just entered into a new relationship (as in like that week) and then moved to Texas. Of course, thinking about it now makes me happy that nothing had happened last year, as I was in a very bad emotional state over my breakup and in general just hated life. It has actually kind of made me a better person, though I will never admit as much to my ex. That would be kind of awkward, along the lines of:

Me: Thanks for treating me like crap and allowing me to realize that I am actually worth more than what you tell me I am. Also, I hope you've learned that you can be an overbearing asshole and you should actually care about the person you supposedly love instead of just using them for your selfish needs.

Actually, maybe I should tell him. But I won't, because that will mean actually talking to him and while I have recently re-added him as a friend on FB, I am not to the point that I can see what he is doing on a daily basis without either feeling total rage at the injustice of it or feeling joy because he has gotten fat and his girlfriend is a total ditz with a big ass. But I digress. I think. Maybe.

So, to get back to my little story, my emotional state was not the best (to say the very,very least) and I was generally very unhappy living in Savannah. Thus, when the topic of moving came up I jumped on board, head first, naked into the fires of this idea. Which is how I found myself living in a 6 bedroom house with 5 other people (2 of which I had only met for a weekend and 1 of whom I had never met) and their cats at the start of December. Oh the joys of having friends that love you. Seriously, without my friends I am sure that I would have fallen even deeper into the depression that my life was at that point in time. So, a huge thank you to my friends for being there for me.

At the same time that I was rebuilding my sanity and love of myself and life, he was living in Texas with his girlfriend. Fast forward once more to this fall and I am single after a quick thing that I don't know if I even can consider a real relationship. And he becomes single after his girlfriend fucks around on him. Being the embodiment of compassion (and seeing a chance after so long) I rekindled our friendship. And found out that he had had the same feelings I had had and had never acted on them for the same reasons that I never had. It was shocking, and nice, and... and..  I don't know what else.

It was just nice to have someone to talk to and be honest with and to care for them in the same way that they cared for me. And then, to both of our surprises, we realized how deep our feelings actually were. Here's where it gets a bit sappy and silly and cute and all of those other words that mean Disney personified. We realized that we actually loved each other. Not that "I think I love you because I'm lonely" love, but real love. The kind that you feel once in your life, if you're lucky. The kind that makes your chest tighten whenever you see or talk to that other person and when you miss them because you haven't spoken to them for five minutes. We realized that we felt that for each other, and it kind of scared us, or at least I know it scared me. I hadn't felt that way even for my most recent long-term relationship and had only felt it once before and that had been after being together for months.. not just talking to for weeks.

Feelings are funny things. They aren't logical, or shouldn't be. Despite wanting them to be logical and not random, they will always do things that you don't expect. Like make you fall in love with someone that you haven't actually seen in person in over a year. Things like that. But I have no regrets about it. I have a few worries, mostly remnants of past relationships that always seem to become issues.

But I want this work. Like, work forever. And, to make this happen, I am trying to be true to myself and the feelings that I have. Even stranger, and even more scarily, I am not planning for the future. For once in my life I am going to let things happen as they happen without worries for the future. If I have learned anything this year, it is that sometimes you need to let things happen and go with the flow. So, while I would like for things to happen, I am not going to push them into happening. I am going to let nature take its course and just go with the flow of life.